


The Misadventures of iSarge

by sleepissafety



Series: 21st Century Boys/This is the Future [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Gen, Light Angst, M/M, Minor appearances of many other characters, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), and pairings, this thing just really took off on its own
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-18 19:41:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4718153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepissafety/pseuds/sleepissafety
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky Barnes in the 21st century, as told through the memory of his new Starkphone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Misadventures of iSarge

**Author's Note:**

> Creative liberties, headcanon, and pairings galore!
> 
> Think of this as taking place far enough after CA:TWS where Bucky feels comfortable enough about his past for jokes and guilt tripping. It's _Bucky_ so it's bound to happen at some point.
> 
> Let's all pretend _that one thing_ in AoU didn't happen so Bucky can totally joke about Pietro almost getting shot without Wanda actually killing him.

“It’s a Starkphone,” Tony says.

“I can see that,” he responds, because _Starkphone_ is printed across the side of the box.  
  


*

  
  
He names it iSarge— _ironically_ —and puts it in a silicone Captain America case he finds on eBay.  
  


*

  
  
**  
**

**_7 new text messages_ **  


**Mr. Natasha:** I TOLD YOU TO SEND ME LIVES

 **Mr. Natasha:** WHY HAVEN’T YOU SENT ME LIVES???

 **Mr. Natasha:** SEND

 **Mr. Natasha:** ME

 **Mr. Natasha:** LIVES

 **Mr. Natasha:** NOW

 **Mr. Natasha:** YOU’RE AN ASS BARNES ANSWER ME

 **Me:** chillax clinton francis

 **Me:** isn’t all caps considered yelling on the net? ;)

 **Me:** and they say banner has anger issues…

 **Mr. Natasha:** I SWEAR IF YOU EVER MIDDLE NAME ME AGAIN MR I WAS NAMED AFTER THE WORST PREZ IN US HISTORY

 **Mr. Natasha:** AGAIN YOU’RE AN ASS BARNES

 **Me:** are you threatening…

 **Me:** dun dun dun

 **Me:** … THE WINTER SOLDIER?

 **Me:** i yelled that as i typed btw

 **Mr. Natasha:** DON’T MAKE ME TELL ROGERS ABOUT THE BLIZZARD INCIDENT

 **Mr. Natasha:** DON’T YOU THINK HE’S GOT A RIGHT TO KNOW WHY YOU’VE BEEN BANNED FROM EVERY DAIRY QUEEN IN THE COUNTRY?????

 **Me:** only if I get to tell stark about budapest

 **Mr. Natasha:** OMG YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE

 **Me:** how do you know????

 **Me:** dun dun dun

 **Me:** also i deleted that app

 **Me:** it was annoying

 **Me:** like you  
  


*

  
  
**From:** Baby-doll  
 **To:** Me

 **Subject:** BUCKY WHY

Did you seriously ask Stark for a tablet just so you could play solitare?

Steve

 **From:** Me  
**To:** Baby-doll

 **Subject:** Re: BUCKY WHY (NOT?)

Yep

Sent from my Starktablet  
BUCKY IS AWESOME

 **From:** Me  
**To:** Baby-doll

 **Subject:** P.S.

next time Rogers TEXT MEEEE

Send from my Starktablet  
BUCKY IS AWESOME  
  


*

  
  
**  
**  
_11 missed calls_  


**_4 new voice messages_ **

“Dude, you better pick up.”

“Ha! You are in _so_ much trouble!”

“Barnes, _answer your damn phone_.”

“Well, nice knowin’ ya, man. Can I have your 3DS?”  
  


*

  
  
**Doc Foster** : Hey, guys! Just wanted to let you all know that Thor’s coming down on Friday for my presentation at MIT. Consider this your invitation. 7 to 8 PM. Late dinner after? :)

 **Gamma Guy:** Yes to both!

 **Gamma Guy:** Tony, too, if he can get out of Mark Eighty Thousand by then

 **Shellhead:** *Forty-eight

 **Gamma Guy:** Not the point, darling

 **Shellhead:** Also, not stuck

 **Shellhead:** Just not entirely sure how to take it off at the moment

 **Madam CEO:** Should I call in a reservation for Donato’s?

 **Mr. Natasha:** AWWW YESSSS PIZZZZA

 **Nat:** And you wonder why everyone says your brain is in your stomach.

 **Nat:** Clint and I will be there.

 **Nat:** For the presentation, too, Clint.

 **Mr. Natasha:** WHAT ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND HUH??

 **Nat:** Sam’s with Fury and Hill in Rome until Tuesday. You’re going, Barton. With me.

 **Mr. Natasha:** BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND????

 **Quickie:** don’t drag me into this

 **Witchy Witch:** Vision is busy so Pietro will be coming with me to the ballet.

 **Quickie:** i never agreed to that! i want pizza!!!

 **Witchy Witch:** It will be finished by then. We will see all of you at the restaurant.

 **Quickie:** sorry, babe :*

 **Mr. Natasha:** Pfft. I’d rather be at this bore fest than that one!!!

 **Doc Foster:** Did I ever tell you about how I hit Thor with my van?

 **Doc Foster:** TWICE.

 **Mr. Natasha:** Uh…no offense? 0:)

 **Nat:** Don’t make me bring your leash.

 **Me:** *whip snap*

 **Baby-doll:** You’re going, too, Buck.

 **Me:** BUT STEVIEEEEEE  
  


*

  
  
**Me:** _image sent_

 **Me:** _image sent_

 **Me:** _image sent_

 **Me:** _image sent_

 **Me:** _image sent_

 **One Wing:** Dick pics? Really?

 **One Wing:** Save that shit for your boyfriend, buddy

 **Me:** not my dick

 **One Wing:** If it’s Steve’s, I’m blocking you

 **Me:** did you know google has an image search???

 **One Wing:** Did you know google has been around since the late 90s?

 **One Wing:** Also, you figure THAT out and dicks are the first thing you search?

 **Me:** actually it was the second thing

 **Me:** first thing was pics of Steve from battle of ny :)

 **One Wing:** Well that escalated quickly

 **Me:** the third thing was kittens

 **Me:** ya think Stevie would get me a kitten?

 **Me:** if i asked nicely?

 **Me:** maybe i should send him a dick pic

 **Me:** my dick btw

 **One Wing:** I will block you, Barnes.

 **Me:** as long as its not…

 **Me:** a COCK block

 **Me:** lol

 **Me:** get it?

 **Me:** do ya?

 **Me:** sam???

 **Me:** no fun :///  
  


*

  
  
**Me:** so a little birdie told me you have an anniversary coming up

 **Madam CEO:** I don’t know why you’re telling me, dear, unless it was my little birdie and she was dropping hints about a gift! :)

 **Me:** maybe maybe not :X

 **Madam CEO:** Don’t forget who took you to that antique shop in Brooklyn when you weren’t allowed out unsupervised so you could get something for Steve, hm?

 **Me:** well she might’ve not so subtley been browsing a certain store website when i stopped by her office last week

 **Me:** maybe i saw something specific i dunno

 **Me:** i’m assuming you’re not up to just pulling a Stark and hacking into her search history to find out?

 **Madam CEO:** No. That would be cheating.

 **Madam CEO:** But on that note, I feel responsible to inform you that a double-sided dildo (among other XXX things) has already been bought and wrapped for your own upcoming anniversary, courtesty of the aforementioned search history hacker.

 **Madam CEO:** Please let your boyfriend know, okay?

 **Madam CEO:** We don’t need a repeat of last year. Poor Steve.

 **Me:** tbh most of that was an act lol

 **Me:** but it gave Stark enough of a guilt trip to disable star spangled man w a plan playing every time Stevie entered the kitchen

 **Madam CEO:** That it did. But it was getting on everyone’s nerves by the third week anyway.

 **Me:** we still laugh about it

 **Me:** i AM really excited about the double dildo tho

 **Me:** *\o/*

 **Me:** especially when Stevie refuses to order that shit online

 **Me:** don’t trust that it’s really “discreet shipping”

 **Madam CEO:** Oh, I’m sure it is--

 **Madam CEO:** \--until it gets to the tower of course! ;)

 **Me:** yeah cause he’d rather have some paparazzi person catch him walking outta a place called pleasureland holding a bag of butt plugs than have Stark know what he got online

 **Me:** which he’d know anyway with the hacking but still

 **Madam CEO:** Steve should never have to justify his want of privacy.

 **Madam CEO:** Especially anywhere Tony is involved.

 **Madam CEO:** Did I ever tell you about the time I got JARVIS to encrypt every single file for the Iron Legion after I found out that asshole hacked into my journal?

 **Madam CEO:** JARVIS did such a good job Tony couldn’t work for a week! :)

 **Me:** that is EPIC

 **Me:** but i’m totally okay with the invasion of privacy if it means i’m getting that pinball machine for my birthday

 **Madam CEO:** Maybe. Maybe not. ;)

 **Me:** yeah yeah! turning my words against me now are you??? so maybe my hand slips while i’m texting and i “accidentally” email you a web link are you happy now?

 **Madam CEO:** Incredibly.

 **Me:** wait isn’t THIS cheating too???

 **Madam CEO:** Nope. Now hurry up and make your hand slip, Barnes. 0:)

 **Me:** you think i could get some easy missions outta this? like a week of sunbathing on a beach in Hawaii w Stevie?

 **Madam CEO:** Sorry, dear. That’d be up to the director, not Maria!

 **Me:** damn

 **Me:** guess i’m going to budapest again  
  


*

  
  
**Baby-doll:** If you don’t think I won’t kick your jerk ass outta the Avengers just because I’m sleeping with it, you got another think coming.

 **Me:** language captain :)))

 **Me:** also, we’re sitting on the same sofa so why the hell are you texting me???

 **Baby-doll:** I’m mad at you.

 **Baby-doll:** And stop making faces at me.

 **Baby-doll:** You fucking scared me today, Buck.

 **Me:** Stevie…

 **Me:** didn’t do it to scare you baby

 **Me:** honestly

 **Baby-doll:** BUT YOU DID

 **Baby-doll:** YOU DID SCARE ME BUCK

 **Baby-doll:** I just got you back.

 **Me:** hey Stevie don’t cry

 **Me:** please

 **Me:** i’m really sorry

 **Me:** i swear i won’t do it again

 **Baby-doll:** It was rigged to EXPLODE.

 **Baby-doll:** And you just ran right in.

 **Me:** i swear Stevie i won’t run into ANYTHING without backup no matter if it’s wired or not wired or a donut shop made outta pillow top mattresses i swear Stevie i swear

 **Me:** please baby-doll i hate seeing you cry cause of me

 **Baby-doll:** You’re not allowed to do that, Buck.

 **Baby-doll:** You’re not allowed to act like some kind of martyr when you just got back.

 **Me:** excuse me for a sec Stevie but EXCUSE ME

 **Me:** hi pot i’m kettle

 **Me:** i ain’t the one of us with self-sacrificing listed as one of his “special talents” 

**Me:** should be RECKLESS

 **Me:** also now you’re the one making faces at me btw

 **Me:** you’re ridiculous if you don’t think i don’t feel the EXACT SAME WAY about you

 **Baby-doll:** Still a jerk.

 **Me:** and you’re still a punk and i love you

 **Me:** i love you i love you i love you

 **Me:** soooooooo much  <3

 **Baby-doll:** Love you, too, sunshine.

 **Me:** we make a great pair

 **Baby-doll:** Then WAIT FOR ME next time.

 **Me:** i promise doll

 **Me:** you gonna talk to me again yet?

 **Baby-doll:** No.

 **Baby-doll:** Still mad.

 **Me:** i’m sorry

 **Baby-doll:** I know.

 **Baby-doll:** Now come over here so I can hold you.  
  


*

  
  
**Shellhead:** Seriously Barnes I will ban you from using the DVR if you can’t at least use it to record half-decent shit

 **Me:** i have great taste in tv

 **Shellhead:** The Real Housewives of Orange County is NOT quality television

 **Me:** i’m a traumatized formerly brainwashed recovering ex-assassin with ptsd and a metal arm

 **Me:** i NEED entertainment

 **Shellhead:** Then might I suggest History Channel or a Disney movie marathon or taking up knitting or going for a walk or getting a few root canals or LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES SOMETHING CALLED “JUDGY EYES AND TAHITIAN SKIES” WHICH IS LITERALLY THE NAME OF ONE OF THE EPISODES ARE YOU KIDDING ME

 **Me:** you’re totally right

 **Me:** ny is better

 **Shellhead:** Allow me to revise my earlier statement: The Real Housewives of ANYTHING is not quality television

 **Shellhead:** ANYTHING Barnes

 **Me:** hey you ever watch the show with the realtors that try to sell fancy houses?

 **Shellhead:** Hey you ever realize I’m a billionaire???

 **Me:** you’re also an asshole but you don’t hear me bringing that up in every conversation

 **Shellhead:** Don’t forget which asshole’s fancy tower you park your tush in Barnes

 **Me:** i’m sorry please don’t kick me out i’d be homeless

 **Shellhead:** Not my problem anymore

 **Shellhead:** Who are you again?

 **Me:** what about Stevie? you like Stevie! how do you think the press would take it if they found out Captain America was OUT ON THE STREETS???

 **Shellhead:** Cap’s got a home

 **Shellhead:** Never said I’d kick him out

 **Me:** but i’m the reason he’s even here in the first place

 **Me:** you really think he’s gonna stay when the LIGHT OF HIS LIFE HIS SOULMATE HIS LOVER HIS FUCKING SUNSHINE got kicked out???

 **Shellhead:** Fine

 **Shellhead:** I’ll let you back in

 **Shellhead:** But only because Fury would kill me over the bad publicity

 **Me:** from what Pep has told me it wouldn’t be the first time

 **Me:** but there ain’t nothing stopping that guy

 **Me:** trust me been there done that didn’t work

 **Me:** thanks for reinstating my fancy tush space though

 **Me:** you’re the best

 **Me:** well second best

 **Me:** Stevie’s the best

 **Me:** AT EVERYTHING

 **Me:** psssst i’m talking about sex things

 **Shellhead:** Seriously Barnes?

 **Shellhead:** TMI TMI TMI TMI

 **Me:** you talk about things i don’t wanna hear all the time and i’m not an ass about it

 **Shellhead:** Well I don’t want to hear about Captain America’s bedroom escapades thank you very much

 **Shellhead:** And you ARE an ass about it

 **Shellhead:** Fake snoring much?

 **Shellhead:** Why don't you care about the future of clean energy????

 **Me:** ain’t fucking Captain America

 **Me:** fucking Steve Rogers

 **Me:** but that’s only cause he won’t lemme do him in the uniform ;)

 **Me:** hey hey you should make him a spare that we can just use for THE FUCKING

Shellhead: No.

 **Me:** YESSSSSSS

 **Me:** think of all the super soldier roleplay sex!!!

 **Me:** but it’s not like we don’t already kinda do that anyway

 **Me:** on your knees captain 

**Me:** open your mouth captain

 **Me:** faster captain and use more tongue

 **Me:** fuck i’m kinda hard now

 **Me:** lol

 **Shellhead:** OH MY GOD OKAY OKAY OKAY I WON’T TAKE AWAY YOUR DVR PRIVILEGES EVER EVER EVER

 **Shellhead:** AS LONG AS YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN

 **Me:** nice doing business with ya Stark

 **Shellhead:** I feel violated

 **Me:** housewives time!  
  


*

  
  
“You have reached the private line of Phil Coulson, Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I am not available right now but if you leave a message, I will try to get back to you as soon as possible.”

_Beep._

“Phil! Hey! It’s Bucky! You know, the guy that’s screwing your childhood he— _ow!_ Okay, fuck, I’ll get to the point! Was that really necessary, baby-doll? Read the index card, yeah, yeah, word-for-word, mmhmm. Ahem. Greetings, Director Coulson. The reason for my call today is to offer my _deepest_ —emphasis mine—apologizes for the injuries you sustained due to my recent actions. I was entirely inappropriate. I hope that you will forgive my lapse in judg—seriously, Steve? What the hell is—”

“You have reached the private line of Phil Coulson, Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I am not available right now but if you leave a message, I will try to get back to you as soon as possible.”

_Beep._

“Phil! Hey! Bucky again. Apparently I was too _wordy_ —emphasis Steve’s—the first time, so let me just cut to the chase: you shoulda knocked when you saw the door was closed but it’s not like you gotta worry about _that_ anymore anyway because thanks to you, meeting room table sex is _never gonna fuckin’ happen again_ , so thanks for that. I hate you. Good day.”  
  


*

  
  
**Witchy Witch:** Give me one reason why I shouldn’t kill you.

 **Me:** uh good morning to you too

 **Me:** and cause i’m cute?

 **Witchy Witch:** Vision is cute. Kittens are cute. Babies are cute. Pietro with bedhead is cute. You are NOT cute.

 **Witchy Witch:** And neither is hearing that my brother was almost shot in the head!

 **Me:** it was an accident?

 **Witchy Witch:** I hope so!

 **Me:** i wasn’t trying to hit him you know

 **Me:** i don’t even SEE him most of the time

 **Me:** you realize he’s like really fast right?

 **Witchy Witch:** Yes, I think I noticed.

 **Me:** so then i really can’t be blamed for him blurring in front of my bullet

 **Me:** actually you should be thanking me that i shot a little late and missed him entirely

 **Me:** a little higher though and he’d have a nice hair cut

 **Me:** and half an ear

 **Me:** also Steve totally calls me a kitten and you said kittens are cute so that means you really do think i’m cute right?

 **Witchy Witch:** You might have a point.

 **Me:** about me being cute? 0:)

 **Witchy Witch:** About Pietro.

 **Witchy Witch:** Maybe I jumped to conclusions.

 **Witchy Witch:** Also, Steve is much cuter.

 **Me:** well i can hardly argue with that

 **Me:** on an unrelated note have you considered anger management?

 **Me:** gamma guy probably knows someone

 **Me:** i mean DOCTOR BANNER

 **Witchy Witch:** Oh don’t think I don’t know what you have everyone listed as in your phone.

 **Witchy Witch:** What was the “Witchy Witch” saying about killing you again?

 **Me:** it’s a compliment? :D  
  


*

  
  
**Me:** baby please tell me you’re still at the store

 **Baby-doll:** Just finishing up and about to get in line :)

 **Baby-doll:** You need something else I assume?

 **Me:** ice cream sandwiches!

 **Me:** also bbq chips

 **Me:** and grape soda

 **Me:** i love you

 **Baby-doll:** Yeah, yeah, I’ll get your stuff. And I love you, too. You still want subs for lunch?

 **Me:** yes please

 **Baby-doll:** Did you like the salami last time?

 **Me:** it was okay

 **Me:** i liked the ham better

 **Me:** and turkey

 **Baby-doll:** I’ll get both. Cheese preference?

 **Me:** i like all of them

 **Me:** but make sure they put on more pickles cause there weren’t enough last time

 **Baby-doll:** Anything for you, sunshine. Home in thirty, all right?

 **Me:** i’ll be waiting, baby-doll :*  
  


*

  
  
**Me:** so i heard you’re dating one of us :D

 **Taser Girl:** First of all, he’s not an Avenger

 **Taser Girl:** Second, he’s none of your business

 **Taser Girl:** Actually put that one first

 **Me:** but you don’t think as your adoptive big brother i gotta right to know???

 **Taser Girl:** I never claimed you

 **Taser Girl:** Only child and proud

 **Me:** oooo is he from another planet?

 **Taser Girl:** No, he’s not from Asgard, you ass.

 **Me:** oh! oh! mr. fantastic?

 **Taser Girl:** He’s MARRIED you clown

 **Me:** it’s not wolverine is it?

 **Taser Girl:** You realize he’s the same age as my dad, right?

 **Taser Girl:** I feel that I must now point out that is SO not one of my kinks.

 **Me:** what about mercs with mouths?

 **Taser Girl:** FUCK NO.

 **Me:** you sure?

 **Taser Girl:** I’m not dating Deadpool!

 **Me:** oh shit it’s a threesome with hawkguy and speedy isn’t it?

 **Taser Girl:** Just stop.

 **Taser Girl:** Also, I DID say not an Avenger, right? He's not an Avenger!

 **Me:** well you gotta gimme some hints! first name? can he fly? does he have a special weapon? lasers? telepathy? maybe he turns purple when he’s constipated or something???

 **Taser Girl:** I’m not telling you anything, Barnes.

 **Taser Girl:** Also, that’s disgusting.

 **Me:** oh god it’s not a bad guy is it???

 **Me:** say it ain’t so babe!

 **Me:** is it loki????

 **Me:** don’t do it!!!

 **Taser Girl:** It’s not Loki! 

**Taser Girl:** And don’t call me babe.

 **Taser Girl:** Also, you don’t even know Loki!

 **Me:** i know he tried to take over earth and Stevie was involved so i hate his guts

 **Taser Girl:** Fair enough.

 **Taser Girl:** Still not telling you though!

 **Taser Girl:** I’ve got class now. Bye, Barnes.

 **Taser Girl:** ;)

**Author's Note:**

> ~~I totally didn't set this up for a sequel~~
> 
> Judgy Eyes and and Tahitian Skies is totally the name of a recent episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County which I totally most certainly definitely absolutely DO NOT WATCH. ~~I blame my mother.~~
> 
> Also, I really want an ice cream sandwich right now. :P


End file.
